They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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