as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
