i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i believe in u and ur pee
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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