i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
