I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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