I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
