Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize