awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
