I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
