if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
