Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Enjoy the penises
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
