So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
