i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
