I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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