people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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