I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
