Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Farmville is her only friend.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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