I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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