we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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