Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My cat gives me a boner
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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