Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
