Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's never too late to be topless.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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