Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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