I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
