Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
