oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i will never coherently bang her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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