when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Drunk is a universal language darling
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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