Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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