I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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