Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
