so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hippo gnu deer
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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