so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
