I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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