Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
