I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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