And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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