When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
