My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
