The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
