Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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