Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
