Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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