The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize