I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
