I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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