Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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