Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
