I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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