Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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