I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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