I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
