Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
