I wish I could teleport
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
