Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
