Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
