he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
