Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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